Marriage: Yay or Nay?

August 2, 2025.

So one day I will be married? Me? Me? Like me? The one who makes 10+ minutes voice notes debating on real soulmates and "marriage is a scam?" So one day I will be married?

This thoughts hits me differently on different days. Sometimes it brings an exciting feeling that I can't totally resist. Other days I ask why in the world would I leave my grandma's home and commit to someone's son.

So one day I will be married? Is this the version of me that will walk down the aisle? The one who overthinks the tone and mood in texts? The one who overuses emojis?🤭 The thought that one day, someone's son might wake up next to me, smell my breath, look at me while I am sleeping scares me. It's wild. 

Weddings don't scare me. It's the "till death do us part." The part where we will say through it all, through it all. That we can fight and pray together again. The for better for worse? Tough stuff but they call that love? Marriage?

My parents and some of my friends will be in utter shock. Genuinely. They have heard me say things. Things like, "I don't think if marriage is for me" and "Relationships are too much." And it was all out of honesty. Terrifying honesty. Painful honesty. 

Is seeing experiencing? If yes, then I have experienced so much. By so much, I mean so so so much. I've seen couples who looked perfectly on Sabbath but cried during the rest of the week. Quarrels were(are) part of their daily bread. I have seen people lose their authentic selves so that they can be chosen or to be kept by someone.😢 I have also watched good families that I really looked up to fall apart. I have watched people who suffer in marriage but still choose to stay so that the society don't say things about them. Best said in my mother tongue, "Tobasa kobarerwa. Enyuomo nokoremererania" (patience in marriage). 

For a while(long while), I said, "Maybe I will just remain unmarried." Not because I don't want love. I love love. I want love. God knows I do. But because I wanted peace and some easy way to escape 'pain.' 

But you know what, I have never totally given up. I have never stopped peeking and smiling at married couples wondering if I will be one someday. 

I have heard a fair share of 'almosts.' The late night conversations that felt so deep, until they were not deep anymore. The "God told me you will be my wife or girlfriend" sort of men and somehow God didn't tell me the same thing. Confusing moments that ticked boxes on paper but it was a disaster in real life. Ever had conversations with someone until you felt your heart is sinking all deep and then it starts shrinking little by little? And you have no option but to opt out? Not because you wanted to but because tarrying for a little longer will make things more worse than better? 

I have had to learn and relearn on what I exactly want. Peace. Purpose, waiting on God's perfect timing than manipulating my own....etc!

August 3, 2025.

There's something about Sundays. Sundays that make you think too much. 

I am seated on the couch, humming my favorite hymn before it escapes my lips, when the tender thought starts to linger in my mind again. "So one day I will be married? Me?"😂 

The thought is so simple yet it has layers than the Ugali I forgot to properly stir yesterday. A reminder that I may not be quite a wife material yet. At least not in the kitchen sector. 

It's a big change, isn't it? I am not afraid of love. I know it comes with learning. Learning how he folds his clothes. (Or he doesn't. This will be terrible). With different toothpaste. Different language (maybe?) Different salt tolerance. (Little or optional, wiiiih) So much to learn and get used to.

I like my life now. Reading till late in the night. Strumming my guitar in my night dress. (Most of the time it produces no sensible rhythm but at least I can play E minor and D major confidently). Crying when the message in the song lyrics is so deeply touching. I sing in the shower and write random blogs that I never post. How? How will someone fit into my world? Or how will I fit into someone's world?

People talk about wedding. About the wedding eve and the actual wedding day. I find myself more curious to know about the Thursday after the wedding. When dirty dishes are stacked on the sink. When someone opened the toothpaste and forgets to put the cap on. When clothes are everywhere. When the cups are in the plates' cabinet.😫 

And kids? Oh, kids. Feels scary. Grandma says 4, two boys and two girls. But honestly, do I have the grace to raise even one? I agree, children are a blessing yes. But they are also spiritual responsibilities. They need spiritual training. They are supposed to be taught about holiness, the beauty in holiness. Their thoughts and hearts guided to God's kingdom. To teach them faith. To discipline them with love when they spill porridge on my white couches and I have to clean them. When they draw on the walls. So much, really.

 Motherhood? It's not easy. I think about the sleepless nights. The swore legs. The tears. The nausea. Weird cravings. The rebellious teenagers who will roll their eyes on you.

Do I have the grace to be patient when they are surpassing boundaries? To surrender them to God's divine care. To love them when they cry and wake me up at 3:00 a.m when I just slept at 1:39a.m? Will I have the grace for all this and still love their dad the same? Grandma thinks marriage without children is incomplete. She believes I must pass my name down. My spirit. My legacy. To my children. But I really don't know. Sometimes I look at little babies and feel a deep maternal ache. Other times the ache is far gone when I think of waking up to breastfeed and still be expected to look good in the morning. Raising four year olds who use tablets better than I do? Constant change of diapers and still find time to read my Bible without dozing off? I think of them watching how I speak. How I apologize. They will mirror my kindness or harshness. My strengths and worse of it all, my weaknesses. I fear losing myself in the process. And so, I google for options. 

Most of the times when I feel too much, I cry. When I think too much, I cry. In this case I ask God, "Will I be really enough for the family I will one day carry." Because I will sincerely want kids who grow up in a home where there is peace and comfort everyday. Where there is grace at the dinner table. Where apologies from 'mommy' and 'daddy' are natural and sincere. Where corrections come from a point of care. A family where we don't just quote scriptures, but actually live them. 

If someday I get married, I pray for realness. Jesus at the center of it all. The grace to choose the kids, the dad, and the full package of people that comes with 'marriage.' For the ability to love that one special human even when the butterflies are no longer there. Even in those days when all we have to hold onto is faith.

August 4, 2025.

Today, I am thinking of my grandmother. I think of her voice. The firm and prayerful voice. I have lived under her roof most of my life. Her(our) sweet home. A house where the radio always had the favorite station 'Egesa' and appropriate volume. To imagine leaving this place and joining someone's world? With new furniture. New cups. New traditions. New roles as a wife, mother, and homemaker. (Roles that will require me to grow in different areas, bend and sometimes stay firm), in-laws who might not like how thick I cut my sukumawiki. It is stressful, isn't it?

 What happens when I no longer hear her voice as often as I used to during my formative years? When I no longer hear how she tenderly and softly calls, "Omochokoro one" or "mtoto wangu?" What happens when the new home will no longer be where I grew up but where I WILL CHOOSE?

Who will listen to my random guitar strumming? To my crazy and sometimes annoying laughter? Will I carry her stories to my new home, family, kitchen, dining table, 'new life'? Will I miss how she knocks before entering my room when she wants to say breakfast is ready or wants me to check her M-pesa balance? Will I call her everytime I undercook or overcook? When I put so much salt as I always did? (We have always been on the opposite extremes. I like my food salty. She doesn't. I had to learn the hard way. Still a salt enthusiast though.)😂 I definitely will miss all these. And above all, how she told us stories of her late husband like he was in the next room. 'Omwanchwa one, omogaka one..."

And now the thought about in-laws? It's daunting. Will they like me? Will I fit? What will the first get- together feel like? Homely? Outcast? How much endless advice will I pretend to appreciate but secretly follow my path? Will they love my music?(they don't have to) My endless questions that are senseless sometimes? 

In-laws? The beautiful humans you never pick but they come with the package of "I do?"

We are always told about wedding gowns, pre-marital counseling, healthy dating and courting, decor, dowry.... but do they tell you what comes with marriage? That you are not just marrying a person. You are marrying their history. Culture. Their WhatsApp group. How they cook saga.(Yes friends, saga matters😊)

You will find a mother- in- law who ask if you have eaten every Tuesday. Who tells your husband to come and apologize and love you properly. Who will be there for you in the labor bed until your baby makes the first cry. Who will genuinely call you "my daughter " before the wedding. A father- in- law who prays for your unborn baby. An uncle who never tires to say, "This girl, this girl, she's a blessing. Egesaku ekiya bori." A brother- in- law who drives you to the maternal clinics when your husband is away. A cousin who braids your hair. A grandmother who checks on you. (A woman as loving as a grandmother, ah!❤️) 

And then, you will find those who will say you took their sons from them. That their son has changed since he married. Those who will say they hope you know how to cook good food because their son is used to good and real food. Those aunties who will whisper in mother tongue, "Sura ni nzuri, lakini tabia hatujui." (She's beautiful, yes, but we don't know her character. Aunties really?) And they will go ahead and talk about how your skirts or dresses are either too long or too short, tight or too loose. (As per their standards) You will find a sister- in-law who judges how you peel your bananas. How you breathe, how you sneeze, how! how! how......Who never keeps her mouth shut. (If seeing is experiencing, then I have experienced much).

You will have some battles to fight. Like when you want to make your firstborn son and they want to name him after a distant great great great grandfather who died in 1993. While you have been dreaming of Biblical names or something as sweet as Gerald or Adrian. A grandmother who frowns and mocks how mappy your chapatis are. A brother- in - law who never minds his business. 

But in the middle of all these, if you are lucky at all or blessed, you'll find 'your people."

August 5, 2025.

One day I might be married.😄 Or NOT. What a thought!

Picture you sitting at the kitchen table. The smell of yesterday's burnt rice clings in the air because you forgot to turn to low heat as you were busy doomscrolling. The sufuria is still unwashed. Your husband is yelling because his favorite soccer team lost. Kid A is engrossed on her tablet. Kid K on his phone. Kid Z runs to you crying and instead of you giving her attention, you put cartoons on TV and tell her to watch. Kid N is at the play station shouting at the top of his voice. The utensils from yesterday's dinner are stacked on the sink. What do you do? You smile? You prolly don't. This is what marriage life and family is to some people. 

Let's keep painting the picture. 

It's sabbath day or Sunday and you are negotiating who will drive to church. You never agree on the route.

 You go to the grocery store on a Sunday morning to buy grocery. "We just need grocery," and somehow end up with a full stacked cart with snacks, 4 different brand of mayonnaise that you don't even bother to look at the expiry date. They expire soonest. Days when you are in the kitchen trying to recreate your grandma or mother's recipe and end up with a fire alarm. Some days your spouse will try to help and end up 'accidentally' adding salt instead of sugar. What do you do? Laugh? Frown? Restart? I have heard from my grandma's stories. Love is patient. Love is kind.....but sometimes it's tough. Work. Hard work. But only grace enables forgiveness, and the heart to start all over again when things go south, and stick to one another amidst all storms including the small kitchen storms. Both the minute and the humongous ones. 

I will keep holding this pen!!🖊 

August 7, 2025.

It's Thursday morning. The clock is ticking softly. Tik-tak... Tik-tak like it's whispering, "Time is passing, girl. Think what you must." The sun is peeking shyly through the curtain painting it's orange streaks on the wall and floor. On the shelf before me, a stock of books sit quietly. Right in the middle sits the 'Adventist Home" which catches my eye. I feel like it's watching me. Patiently waiting for me to open its sacred pages. To understand what it truly means to build a home that is rooted in faith. 

On the wall hangs a photo of my uncle and aunt. They are smiling and looking at each other in the eyes with their maroon marching outfits. It's some rare kind of beautiful. Above their heads, the words, "And they lived happily after," are inscribed. I look at it and smile. Is this what it really is? Happily ever after?

To my left the piano sits and waits. It's calling loudly for 'us' to establish a relationship. I have been so hesitant for a while. But today, I managed to bond with it for like 5 minutes. 

To the far left, a vase of flowers now giving in to time rests. They are beginning to wither. It's beauty fleeting. 

The clock sound gets louder. Tiiiik-Taaak. The biological clock is ticking. Tiiiiiiik- taaaaaaak.

I am sitting cross- legged in the cozy coach. With a cup of milk. I never planned to write about marriage again today. In fact, I had told myself I wouldn't think about it. Not seriously anymore. 

But here I am again. So one day I wil be married? Maybe not?

Let me be honest. There are days I declare boldly. I will not marry. I write it in caps in my journal. But then, as I fold laundry or bake my fries, a question rings in my mind. 

But do I really have the grace to be single? To walk past flowers and buy them for myself? To attend my friends' weddings and never take vows and be that auntiee that always waits for the cake? To always sit beside people intertwining hands while mine holds to my water bottle? 

I have seen couples. 

-The couples from church that always shares the hymn book. They whisper things that I don't get to hear in entirety. And so, I just smile. 

The couple that cook together. One chops the onions as the other tastes the soup.(for salt 😄). They laugh when Ugali doesn't boil well and when it burns. They flirt while washing dishes. 

That couple in a matatu that I encountered before. Her head was resting on his shoulder. He paid for both of them. She adjusted his collar.(Little things that bring joy.😊)

The couple I met at the hospital. Sickness didn't send them apart. Oh! That lovely man who has been on the bedside EVERY SINGLE DAY. He's a prize. 

That musical couple from my local church. She sings as if her life depended on it. He strums the guitar. 

The couple at the park that was holding hands while taking a long walk on the trail and culminated it with sunset watch while discussing the following week's sabbath quarterly. 

The husband that pours lemonade juice for his wife while she peels mangoes for 'them'. 

The young couple that arrives in church early to pray before service begins. 

My uncle and aunt back at home. They have been married for years now. They argue about small things like if they should put sugar in porridge or not, cook Matoke or Ugali and they still get into an amicable agreement. They forgive one another. They talk kindly to each other(not always, but they try most of the time). I have learnt from them that marriage marriage is not perfect but it's possible. It makes me hopeful. It reminds me that one can choose to be faithful and stick even when the river runs deep. That this thing called 'marriage' is not always a bed of roses but it's still beautiful. 

The couple in the store that was debating on which curtains will match their 'aesthetic'.

The old man from my village who still buys his wife sugarcane and bananas every market day. 

But then,

 

I have also seen....Haven't we all?

The wife who flinches when her husband calls.

An exhausted mom of four at the hospital all by herself. 

The husband/wife who mocks her wife publicly. 

That couple that come to church separately. The woman whose husband just married a second wife in the name of 'tradition'.

The married man who hits Dm's of random gilrs at 11:42 pm asking for 'friendship.' (I always wonder if this is what my husband might become when I am not longer sweet 16. When I can no longer compete with those bold girls on Tik Tok or Instagram. When I have birthed children and forgotten to apply perfume. When the youthful features that were once firm have sagged. Will he be the one who goes on social media to scroll for options?)

The wife who smiles through pain because the man she calls her husband touches other women, with the same hands he used to 'bless her'. 

The husband that takes side with in-laws, and it's not his wife's. 

The couple who by just looking, you can tell their smiles are stretched too thin.

A friend crying at 11pm because her husband hasn't been home for the fifth week now.(Toughhhhhh!) 

August 8th, 2025.

The thought still roams.

And don't get me started on sitting in church. I, most of the time end up being the third wheel. The third person squeezed between two strangers. I sit next to the person I didn't come with. Next to someone's wife or husband. When the preacher says, "Turn to your neighbor and tell them Jesus loves you and so do I," I end up stuck. I can tell them that Jesus loves them. But how do I say to someone's husband that I love them. When the neighbor's hand is held and I am holding a green water bottle with room temperature water(Water is life. And so, it becomes my solace.) while I clutch to my Bible.

I have been in cars with several couples. I have overheard their conversations. How they put teamwork into work. It fascinates me. I wonder what it always feel like to have a 'he' at the passenger seat. I have mostly ridden squished in the back while they are in the front "their small mini world," that only them know about. 

If HE comes,

Let him love and fear God by words and actions. Let him be kind. Let him love music. Doesn't have to necessarily be a singer. Let him not mind my random humming while going about the daily chores. Let him laugh. A lot. Let him smile. A lot. Or I can do the smiling for both of us. Let him not flirt with colleagues at work when I am pregnant(If I ever). May we fold laundry together without him saying, "This is women's work." Let us dream wildly while doing everything to God's glory. Always. Let us choose one another everyday. Not becase we are sweet 16 but strong 52. Let us be faithful one to another 'till death do us part'.

Let us pray together.

 

Let us search and study the scriptures with vigor. 

2 Timothy 3:16 (KJV) All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness."

2 Timothy 2:15 (KJV) Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

Let the kids be happy. Let them freely and happily say, "Mom I love you. Dad I love you." Let them play the saxophone, violin, and guitar by age 7. (Okay too, if they aren't musical.) Let them memorize Revelation 14:6-12. Sing the song, "Give me the Bible " and actually mean it.
And above all, let him find a Home in me. Let me find a HOME in him. 

And if he doesn't, let me still be whole. Full. Let me hold other people's children and tap them gently and softly to sleep. Let me smile and spread God's word. Let me write for the world. 

Amidst all these, I have made peace with myself. That whether I am preparing a meal for two or one, whether I am singing alone or with accompaniment, whether this blog is read by a family member, friends, stranger or even my future husband on a quiet morning, afternoon  or night  .. This life will remain fully and joyfully mine 

August 8, 2025.

If you are married, do you remember the first time you had these thoughts? Did you think it was going to be a forever thing? How is it going now? Ish? Is God still the center? Do you ever hold hands in those late evenings during your walks and wonder how you got so lucky? Do you ever listen to his voice and hear the sweet musical quality even amidst conflicts and want to listen to it again and again? Do you still guard your eyes and keep it focused on the prize?

For the unmarried, do you ever have wild thoughts on random days when you are supposed to focus on other grave matters? Do you imagine sitting next to a person in church? Going for spontaneous road trips and walks while watching the sunset, and sometimes catching the sunrise? Or do you find peace in the solo pew? Are you ready "for better for worse?" Are you willing to become the kind of person you want to meet? Are you really ready to go through it all? The good, the bad, and the ugly?The burnt Ugali? Angry words? The doubt? The exhaustion? The roses? The laughter? 

Maybe one day you will argue if you will raise your kids to love music, books, Jesus, and vegetables. (Maybe not vegetables).

Maybe you will teach. You will write your heart out. You will sing. You will be that cool and kind aunt or uncle. Maybe you will be the third person next to a happy or sad couple.  I hope you smile anyways because joy isn't only reserved for the married. (We have many unhappy married people, sadly😥). 

Wherever you are, whatever path you want to take, may you find immense joy.✨️ Whether alone or with someone. May you find strength and sweetness in your singleness and togetherness. Both are gifts from above.

"All good gifts around us Are sent from heaven above; Then thank the Lord, O thank the Lord For all His love."🎶 

 If HE writes your story with someone beside you, hallelujah🙌, if HE asks you to be solo, hallelujah🙌 still!!! This journey is uniquely yours and yours alone. 

Cheers to the journey.🥂 

I have put milk on the stove. It's boiling. Adventist Home is staring me like, "Finish the chapter, child." The clock ticks. Tiiiiiiìiiiiik- taaaaaaak...... tiiiiiik- taaaaak. The biological clock ticks. Tiiiik- taaaak. I don't know if I should smile or frown about these wild thoughts. I choose to smile. I put the pen of worry and uncertainty down. 

Until next time. 

Yours truly,

Mwango.😊